Friends of Recovery - New Hampshire

P.O. Box 295 Concord NH 03302

I believe that I was born with the disease of alcoholism. My family consists of six children, myself being one of the middle children. Neither of my parents are alcoholics. However, my mother is the child of a very abusive and angry alcoholic father. My early childhood was, what appeared to be, the average childhood. I was always very quiet, self-conscious and very much a loner. At the age of approximately five years old, I remember quite clearly having people comment to my mother and to myself about what a "good little girl" I was. That was due to the fact that I was never in any trouble for anything. That was short lived however.

By the time I was ten years old I had started to feel very sad, lonely and unloved. I did not yet act out, but remember the feeling very well. When I reached 12 yrs. old I began acting out my sadness and anger. Running away from home several times got some attention from my parents but not the kind of attention I was after. I remember my first drink like it was yesterday. I was about 13 years old and hanging out with my older sister. She always hung out with the older kids and hated having me hang around because she knew I would rat on her for smoking and drinking. One of those days however, I was offered a beer. I took it, drank it and immediately felt so good that I just had to have another. Of course, I made a complete fool of myself, and my sister was very embarrassed. I began running with the crowd that was drinking, smoking pot and partying. My first blackout drunk occurred at a keg party that we had in a canyon near my home. I don't remember much of the drunk except that I got sick all over the guy I was there with. The next thing I remember, I was laying on the front lawn of my home, with both parents looking down and obviously not happy. That was the real beginning of the progression of the disease. Of course at that point it was still what I thought was the solution to all of those sad and horribly lonely feelings and I added to the drinking some other chemicals to enhance the effect.

After many years of abusing alcohol and other drugs, it began to take a toll on me. I had a teen-age daughter and two failed marriages by the time things got unbearable. My daughter was an angry child, much like I was as a teen. She was very aware of what I was doing, and several times reported to the authorities and her school counselors. I decided that to get the heat off, I would check into a treatment center. It worked for me for about 60 days. I had gone in as a "cocaine addict". I seriously did not believe that alcohol was a problem. That year, at the company Christmas party, I had a simple shot glass of Southern Comfort as a toast to the season with my boss. That was all it took. That drunk was a black out. I remember coming to with a very hurt daughter, angry husband, and with none of the money I had set aside for my daughters' Christmas gifts. I now knew I had a problem with alcohol, and that if I drank it would set up the craving for the other stuff. I ended up continuing on the downward spiral of using for another year. At some point my employer (who I also considered a good using buddy) decided that I needed help. He had the people from another treatment center meet in his office and they gave me an ultimatum: Either go back into treatment or lose the job. At that point I had a very expensive habit and needed the money so I opted to go back to treatment. I went with a huge resentment toward this man. How could he possibly breathe that scotch across the desk and tell me I had the problem. Two weeks into that treatment my daughter and sister paid me a visit with some awful news. My friend and boss had died the night before of an alcohol related accident. I was devastated. It was that day that I really saw how deadly this disease is. I had to make a decision about whether I wanted to live or to die. My counselor said that sometimes others have to die so that we can live. I thought that was the sickest thing I had ever heard. Now I understand. If Danny had not died, I would have continued on the personal "death wish" mission I was on.

I have been clean and sober since that date which was November 25th 1991. The road has not always been an easy one. I had created a lot of wreckage, and had a lot of work to do to clean it up. I had lost the respect and trust of my daughter, husband, and family. I decided that I could not go home to my husband, who was also my best using partner, since I was sure to relapse with him continuing to use. When I told him of my plan to get an apartment and do my best to stay clean and sober, he chose to divorce me, rather than to get clean and sober himself. I have had to learn about forgiving, accepting responsibility for my own choices and consequences, and most importantly that there is a power much greater than myself just waiting for me to ask for help. Once I began asking for help, and receiving it, I understood that I would have to start using the things I had learned in treatment. I would have to get and stay active with Alcoholics Anonymous, and do my best to learn a spiritual way of life. Since I was sure that I was going to perish in hell, that one was hard for me. God must surely be mad at me for all of the hurt I had caused his children. I learned that I too am a child of his, and that all I ever need to do is ask and expect his help. There are still times in my life that I forget to ask. Actually, I had spent approximately 30 years learning to be independent, self-supporting, and to never need anyone for anything, it is still very difficult to ask for help.

I am getting better, and am making progress. I can truly say that prior to getting clean and sober I was simply existing, and waiting for the lucky day when God would allow me to die and get out of this "hell on earth". There are now good times and what seem to be bad times. The big difference today is that I will never have to do any of it alone. I have the fellowship of others who have been to hell and back and are able to show me how they did it, and the love of my Higher Power. Thank you God for the chance to live a sober life and the chance to help others get that gift too.