I am an alcoholic. Although I have not had a drink in almost 14 years, I know I will always be an alcoholic. That day, in the spring of 1987 when I stopped drinking, was the beginning of the end of a life of lies, pain and misery. I say beginning of the end because putting down the bottle for the last time was only the start of the changes that I had to work through before I could rejoin the human race.

The beginnings were simple and yet complex. How do we get to be the people we are? Where is the first step taken? At first, alcohol seemed to be a social and spiritual lubricant. It was what people did when they got together. In college, and after, it was often part of the context for gathering. It was unimportant if we didn't remember what happened in the morning because it was all good fun.

All around is acquiescence. If you pass out in front of your kids nobody will mention it the next time they see you. If you are a little loud or belligerent everyone says, "oh, it's the drink - he's not that way."

Alcohol becomes a ritual and God knows we need rituals to get through life. Don't we? Everyone has a drink, or two. Don't they? The drink before dinner becomes two. The glass of wine with dinner becomes a bottle. The after dinner drink becomes the thing. Ever so slowly it sneaks up on us.

Alcohol becomes the problem solver. "Let's have a drink and make up. Leave me alone; I just want to have a quiet drink. I'm going out to have a couple of quick ones."

Ever so slowly, alcohol shifts from being part of the solution to being part of the problem. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it - I had too many drinks." "Let's not go there, they don't serve." "Of course it's not a problem, I just enjoy drinking."

Somewhere anger began to permeate my life and alcohol seemed to calm it down. Or was it the other way around? At some point, life became more and more painful and alcohol seemed to help ease the burden. And then I began to anticipate. I would begin to drink before problems occurred. I began to drink on weekend mornings. I began to drink at lunchtime. I began to drink at 6pm then 5pm then 4pm then I stopped keeping track.

I don't know when I crossed the line - maybe because the line blurs so easily. I know I had my first serious drink at 17 and my last at 41. I know I lost a wife. I almost lost my children - many times. I can't really say how much I lost in those years. There was a time when alcohol seemed to solve problems and then it became the problem.

The day I stopped drinking began like every other day - I was hung over. I remained hung over until my first drink at 4pm. By then I could drink a bottle of wine and have several drinks during the evening and still pretend to function. Drunks become very careful, lest someone find out. By 2 am I knew I had to stop or die. This was not a new thought. I had been thinking this for several years just before going to bed and every morning just after getting up - and a lot of the time in between. Why this time? I still can't say what made that day any different any more than I can say when I started being an alcoholic. But stop I did and went to bed for a week.

Since then I have learned the difference between being sober and being in recovery. Being sober means not taking a drink. Being in recovery means on the road to understanding why. I have had to go back and learn some of the lessons I skipped over with a bottle in my hand. I have had to forge new relationships with my children and others. I have learned to laugh and have fun without a drink.

I write this in hopes that someone else will take courage from this to face their problem - before it is too late. I think every day about what the consequences would have been if I hadn't stopped. We read about them: DWI kills... hospitalized with liver problems, hopeless suicide, children angry, wife beaten.... Most of you know who you are. Most of you want to stop. Get help but for the help to work you have to stop drinking.

Society - you are paying an enormous price - 25% to 30% of all hospital admissions are alcohol-related or complicated. Parents - children do what we do not what we say. If you drink they will drink. If you smoke they will smoke. Spouses of alcoholics - you can't stop an alcoholic nor can you help them. Get help for yourself. Alcoholism is infectious. It ruins whole families and future generations. It ruins lives - especially the one's it kills - and those that loved them.