Friends of Recovery - New Hampshire

P.O. Box 295 Concord NH 03302

A Story

It seems to me that there are two sides to life, the inside and the outside. My experience with alcohol affected both sides. Let me describe my condition of life at the age of mid-fifty. First, the outside: Vice-President of two organizations and then founder of my own marketing services business in New York City, a ten room English Tudor home in a wealthy county, three cars and three private schools for the children. That was the outside. It was a daily task to look good; to react to business and family needs...and to look good. In marriage there was a mutual goal, accomplish something, take care of the children and acquire "stuff". Essentially, life became a battle to meet unrealistic expectations that required more and more income.

Now let me describe the inside. The result was a life inside of anxiety, fear, frustration, resentments, anger and unhappiness. As the conflicts grew, the need to react to those conflicts, to find a way to feel better, also grew. And both my wife and I found 'the answer': Drink. My answer was the vodka martini, my wife found the answer in manhattans. Every day, any time of day, we turned to the answer. It was a subtle, subconscious, dangerous, demeaning answer. In retrospect, we were both drunks and would have denied that fact vehemently.

The predictable result finally came. It was complete defeat. I had a feeling of dread, of hopelessness and helplessness. I had tried so hard, for so long, for what I had thought was success, and had failed. One morning, I said in my heart and in my head... "God, please help me." and He did. The realistic answer was separation, sell the house, and find new individual lives. For a time, the original answer followed us: The drinking. My wife died, back in her hometown, still drinking, some fifteen years later. In time, my life was changed, was renewed.

It all started on the inside. "I must be worth something. I must get help." I looked for help through a therapist and one day I said to her, "I think I am drinking too much, what should I do?" This time I found a real answer, the ultimate antidote, in my opinion, for the disease of alcoholism. My therapist said, "Go to Alcoholics Anonymous". It was so simple. Go to A.A.

My education began. First, I had to know that it was a disease, a fact of a medical condition. I had to accept some direction and responsibility for recovery. Go to meetings, one a day for three months, get involved, read the literature, try to help others. All the while learning that my life depended upon not drinking. Those initial A.A. meetings were such a shock. I knew what a drunk was. I had seen them many times curled up in a hallway of Grand Central Station, begging on the corner of 42nd and Broadway. No, I was a drunk and anyone could be one. The surprise was seeing a doctor, a lawyer, a minister, an author, at those meetings. They were all accepting and helpful.

The good news had just started. Gradually I began to see the light, to follow directions, to be a sober person, to do the twelve steps. Theses are the life-saving principles that guide my new life in A.A. I felt so good. I must have looked good to other people, especially one. We got married, put three families together resulting in nine children and twenty-three grandchildren. Finally, I would like to report the mystery of A.A. I can't. It is a mystery, a mystery of spirituality. I do know what happens. It produces a change of thought, of attitudes, of behavior. In essence, a new and happy life.